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Those who didn’t marry James Bond
Lima Sehgal
The barometer of individual success is not survival but growth. That
is why the definition of success remains a point of view.
Have you ever faced the predicament of having to tell someone how
successful you are? I once tried telling my parents and could not
explain. Even though my explanation went something like what Bertrand
Russell once said: “Everyone knows that a businessman who has been
ruined is better off, so far as material comforts are concerned, than
a man who has never been rich enough to have the chance of being
ruined.”
I guess its difficult to explain success when no one, including you,
has the faintest idea on when you had a balance in your account or why
you are not married to the son of Mr. Cartier or even to James Bond.
The problem of a lack of synchronisation, in perception with others,
continues all our lives. When each of our two eyes sees a different
perspective, who are we to point a finger at others. Maybe that is the
reason why we can never manage to get ahead of our head.
We have a simple classification of people – the haves and the
have-nots, but when it comes to ourselves we usually give ourselves a
more unique status — of hovering on the peripheries of the almost
haves, while secretly fearing the fall into the dismal abyss of the
have-nots.
Life is supposed to be the struggle of reaching our goals. When we
complain about the severe competitiveness of the struggle of life,
what we mean is not the obstructions but the nature of the goals
itself. There is nothing wrong with pursuing goals like material
comforts, wealth, fame etc. But what is sometimes unrealistic is what
we expect these goals to do to us, like changing our life, earning the
respect or envy of others or bringing us perpetual happiness.
Rarely do we examine our reasons for pursuing such goals. It is
amazing how many of our goals have their origins in a desire for
social approval. As kids, we are primed for it till it becomes an
integral part of us .The do’s and don’ts of childhood gather strength
till they become a full fledged moral code, going against which
results in a range of reactions from mild discomfort to guilt and
catastrophe.
I agree that, as adults, the operational factors should be different.
In the mainstream of life, we need to build our own rudder to navigate
reality, without the influence of some old infantile perceptions. This
is easier said than done.
Our concept of success has always been problematic. There is one
documented on Gautama Buddha. This was 3000 years ago. He had problems
that we all have had as teenagers. No, he didn’t want to be like dad.
No he didn’t want to be king, he wanted to be an intellectual,
pursuing more noble goals. No, he didn’t want dads’ help. Even when he
went visiting his Dad, he insisted on asserting his own individuality
and, to his dad’s embarrassment, he wore the coarsest of rags and went
around begging door to door for his daily food in the tradition of the
ascetics. Taken from the opinion of history, yes, we recognize him as
an extremely successful man. But, I wonder what the prevailing opinion
was about him. Especially that of his father, or his father’s cronies.
I suspect that it must have been something like – ‘Oh these youngsters
today, whatever next !’
The pet opinions about the younger generation have always sounded
familiar.Only the stage settings keep changing.
The popular one is about their extreme commercialism, materialism and
the nonchalance with which they spend money. One of the ways it
manifests is in the typical reaction to television watching. Parents
talk about TV being bad for the eyes , the brain and the morals of a
child. Being a parent I must admit that most of our reactions are a
resistance to the unfamiliar. I didn’t have a television at home till
I was eleven years old. The government run Doordarshan was the only
channel, and we got an average of two watchable programmes a week in
black and white. I had to wait till every Friday to see the change of
movies in the theatres to get some entertainment.
It is usually the grown- ups that need to grow up. Henry Ford had been
so successful in making cars that he had a formula for success – ‘Any
colour you want as long as it’s black’ It was inevitable that he lost
out to an upstart who thought differently!
We wonder about the prevailing lifestyles and attitudes of our kids
and worry if it will translate into future success, even if we have no
idea on what will constitute success in the future. They do usually
turn out all right, just as we did.
There is an ancient Japanese saying that goes – Blossoms turn to fruit
and brides become mothers-in-law. So I guess we just have to leave it
at that.
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