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Official Procedures – Anno Domini
Courtesy Jobnet Magazine
And the Lord spoke to Noah
and said, “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole
earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But
I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living
thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an ark.”
And in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for an ark.
“Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints.
“Six months, and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better
have the ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.”
Six months passed, the
skies clouded up and rain began to fall the Lord saw that Noah was
sitting in his front yard, weeping.
And there was no ark.
“Noah,” shouted the Lord, “Where is the ark?”
“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. but there were
big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark
construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code! So I had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the
ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I had to convince the U.S. fish and wildlife that I needed the wood to
save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.”
“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the national labor relations board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters
going on the boat, and still no owls.”
“Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I
got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete
the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood.
They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of a supreme being.”
“Then the army corps of engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to
resolve a complaint from the equal employment opportunity commission
over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all
my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the
country and I just got a notice from the state about owing them some
kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish the ark for at
least another five years,” Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you’re not going
to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully.
“No, said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”
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