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How Unemployment Affects Your Sex Life
Four months after Arvind, an engineer, lost his job he became moody
and argumentative. He and his wife quarreled frequently. Because they
had always enjoyed an active sex life, they sometimes patched things
up in bed following a quarrel.
After eight months without a job, however, the marital bed was no
longer a pleasurable meeting place for the couple. He didn’t want sex.
He felt glum, dispirited, worthless. Without actually saying so, he
felt he could no longer perform effectively, either in or out of bed.
The problem of being unemployed had impaired his virility.
Arvind’s story is far from unusual. Serious problems-losing one’s job,
illness, death in the family, severe financial setbacks – can create
anxiety, insecurity, agitation, and depression. These feelings have a
powerful impact on one’s sex life. The reason: Sex itself is so
emotional.
Mental health experts say it’s almost impossible to predict just how a
crisis will affect one’s sexual pattern. When something unhappy takes
place, the person involved may withdraw sexually. Or, for short
periods, that person may actually become much more sexually active. It
all depends on the person, the situation, and the marital
relationship.
The job-loss experience is common to many people. It’s tremendously
unsettling, especially to a man. His main or only source of income is
gone. But that’s only part of the reason he’s likely to react with
negative emotion.
The famous explorer of the mind, Sigmund Freud, said that work is
central to one’s existence. A presentday expert states that in our
society working or earning a living is one way a man has of showing
that he’s manly. Ancient man could bring in a freshly killed carcass.
But today a man can bring home a good pay check as a positive symbol
of his strength.
Thus, when a man can no longer do this, he’s likely to be hit hard
emotionally. He’s likely to begin doubting himself and his
masculinity. And it’s such doubts that can change his sex life,
temporarily or otherwise.
Two Opposite Reactions
Consider two other men who, like Arvind, lost good jobs. One, Amit,
reacted by feeling very sorry for himself. He was depressed, lost – he
reacted like a little boy. What he wanted from his wife was comfort.
Vigorous sexual intercourse was the last thing on his mind. In bed he
merely wanted to feel his wife’s warm body close to his in a kind of
sexual “cuddling.” The desire to be held, comforted, and cuddled is
common among people who are depressed.
But Shankar, the other victim, reacted differently. He began to drink
heavily and proposition girls at parties and other social gatherings.
His need was clear: To prove himself sexually with women, since he
could no longer prove his manliness as a breadwinner. With his
marriage going to pieces, he finally sought professional help. “He was
constantly walking around with an erection as a way of reassuring
himself,” comments the social worker who counseled him.
Shankar reversed himself after some time. He went from extreme sexual
activity to a complete loss of interest in sex. What had happened was
that losing his job made him feel terribly depressed. For a time, by
drinking and frantically picking up women, he could hide that
depression. He could pretend that it didn’t exist. But inevitably, it
came to the surface.
Unhappy life experiences are not the only kind that bring on stress
and depression. Dr. P.H. Blachly of the University of Oregon Medical
School notes that success, too, can make one feel blue. The reason?
Success brings changes in one’s accustomed way of living, and these
changes can seem very threatening.
Good Marriage Helps
If there are secure bonds of love between the two spouses, nothing
serious is apt to happen to their sex life. But if the couple’s
relationship is generally unstable – for example, strong resentments
beneath the surface – the outcome will be different. In that case,
sexual relations between the two partners will suffer.
Consider Sridhar, whose business reverses left him in a financial
crisis, which hit him hard. He viewed himself as a failure, a man not
capable of measuring up. He showed it at work, where he became
hesitant in making decisions. And he showed it at home, in the
bedroom.
Fortunately for Sridhar, his marriage was a happy one. His wife
understood what he was going through and sympathized. His sexual
failures weren’t as shattering as they might have been; they could
talk about the problem openly, and she was understanding. In time he
bounced back and things returned to normal. In fact, having lived
through this period of stress, Sridhar and his wife became closer.
When long-standing conflict exist in a marriage, such stories often do
not end happily. If Sridhar’s marriage had been shaky, his poor sexual
performance could have prompted his wife to retaliate. Reacting to
previous injustices he may have inflicted on her, she could have
condemned or made fun of him. And this would have set up a vicious
cycle: The more the husband’s sexual abilities are impaired, the more
his wife scorns him; the more she scorns him, the less able he is to
function sexually. Marriage counselors often see couples caught in
that unhappy trap.
Most couples have little to worry about. Preoccupation and depression
are natural reactions to stress, which most likely will affect one’s
sex life. In time, as the crisis passes or adjustments are made, all
such reactions are apt to wane. They will vanish more quickly if the
two partners are mutually understanding; they will become more serious
if one or both parties cast blame or ridicule.
If stress creates really troublesome changes in a couple’s sex life,
what then? The experts advise further action. After three months or
so, the couple should see a reputable counselor or psychotherapist.
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