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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.     When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."     She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"    
"I don't think so," said the fore man, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal.     For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.
One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."
After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.
"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt.     After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing.     At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"                                                                                         
The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"                                                                           
"Not with a flower."

Laloo dies and goes to hell.
There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.     He goes first to the German hell and asks, What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.     Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”
Laloo does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.     He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.     He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.     Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.    
Amazed he asks,     “What do they do here?”     He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.     Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.     Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”    
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?”    
“Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil was a govt servant, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home….”

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.                                          
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.     "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye ... that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord! didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."

A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.