A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. "Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this."
"What’s the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what’s your problem?"
"I don’t have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either
of them!"

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can’t you see I’m trying to taper off?"

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That’s it, I can never remember that word."

It’s 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

A guy sees a girl in a bar. She is wearing a shirt buttoned at the neck. He walks up to her and bets her fifty rupees that he can touch her breast without touching her shirt. She knows that its not possible so she agrees to the bet. The guy places his hand firmly on her breast and squeezes. After he does this, the girl said, "You touched my shirt." The guy replies, "Okay, so I owe you fifty rupees."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy’s a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.