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One day Lord Shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol.
So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Delhi and asked the bartender: "Give me 5 bottles of whisky".
After having 5 bottles of whisky, Lord Shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked: "Who is this man, after having 5 bottles of whisky, he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer.
After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn’t stop himself asking him: "Sir, who are you?? I’ve seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you’ve almost had 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"???
Lord Shiva declared: "Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain".
Bartender: Ha!! AB CHADHI HAI ISKO!!!

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, probably have a present for me.
She didn’t even say Good Morning, let alone Happy Birthday.
Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
At noon, my secretary knocked on my door and said, You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.
We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let’s go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the
car door. Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We’re going to have to put a splint on that."
The guy says, "No way Doc, I’m getting married in a week."
The Doc replies "Well if we don’t, it’s going to be bent for the rest of your life."
Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up.
...A week later, and he’s on his honeymoon...
His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him.
She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they’ve never been touched
by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this,
it’s never been seen by a man before."
So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it’s not even
out of the crate yet!"

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. 
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" 
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defence lawyer."

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"