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A research assistant who had conducted a sex survey phoned one of the participating husbands and said," Sir, there’s a discrepancy in your answers. Under ‘frequency of intercourse’, you’ve put ‘Twice a week’, while your wife wrote ‘several times nightly.’"
"Yes, that’s right," replied the man, "but that’s only until we get the bank loan for our house paid off."

A diplomat we met at a party not long ago commented that sex is the ultimate peacemaker, as it eventually softens all hard feelings.

"Did you follow my advice about kissing your date when she least expects it?" asked the sophisticated man about town of his friend.
"Oh, hell," said the fellow with the swollen eye," I thought you said where."

The reason today’s girls will do things their mothers wouldn’t think of doing is that their mothers didn’t think of doing them.

Want to know a secret of returning from Las Vegas with a small fortune?
Go with a large fortune.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

After numerous rounds of "We don’t even know if Osama is still alive" Osama himself, decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Canada’s RCMP for help.
Back came the prompt reply, "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

A famous heart Surgeon was watching a mechanic removing the cylinder heads from the engine of his car, when the mechanic looked up and asked, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, When you and me is doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try to do it when the engine is running".

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything - been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to
her friend "works wonders on anything".
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone. No more headaches."
The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache. Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says," Don’t move. I’ll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don’t move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round two with his wife even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!" Her husband again says, "Don’t move. I’ll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying, "She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s NOT my wife!"