George Bush went to the doctor for a routine physical. "I’m sorry to tell you," said the doctor, "that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts: left and right."
"Yes," said Bush, with his usual arrogant certainty, "the same as everyone else’s."
"True," replied the doctor, "But in your case, the left part has nothing right in it, and the right part has nothing left in it!"

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn’t know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."

Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since medical college met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:
The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. "You open ‘em up," he contended, "and everything is color-coded."
"Nah," said the second. "It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and everything is alphabetized."
The third scoffed. "Of course not," he said. "It’s accountants. You open ‘em up and everything is numbered."
"Lawyers," said the fourth, with a shake of his head. "It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable."

A doctor, to an obviously ill prostitute, "Take these pills, eat a bland diet, and in three days I’ll have you back in bed!

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy’s van you know,
shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that, when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips at hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you’ve got the worst case of VAN AERIAL disease that I’ve ever seen."