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A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.
She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute.
Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Someone has stolen our tent".

How did the skeleton know it was raining?
He could feel it on his bones.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.

" Doctor," said the obviously disturbed young man to his psychiatrist, "my biggest problem is that I always dream about cricket. Nothing but cricket."
"Don’t you ever dream about girls?" asked the head-shrinker.
"I don’t dare," said the young man. "I’m afraid I’ll lose my turn at batting."

The beautiful young woman had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "if you can read this you are too damned close" embroidered on her panties.
"Yes, madam, " said the clerk, "I’m quite certain that can be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," said she.

An ornithologist of my acquaintance is troubled by the fact that the stork is too often held responsible for circumstances that might better be attributed to a lark.

After the wealthiest man in India passed away at a ripe old age, he was mourned on the front pages of all the leading newspapers. In a pub in Bangalore, a short bespectacled fellow seemed particularly broken up by the news. He clutched a paper to his chest and cried unabashedly, "He’s dead, He’s dead."
"There, there ," said the bartender, trying his best to console him. "You musn’t carry on like that, sir. We’ve all got to go sometime. He wasn’t related to you, was he?"
"No," sobbed the man. "That’s it. That’s it."

Precisely nine months after the young couple were married, the wife was rushed to the hospital with an urgent call from the stork. Shortly after her arrival, the doctor came out of the delivery room and told the husband he was the father of a bouncing baby boy.
The new father consulted his watch, and said, "Well, nature certainly is precise. It’s exactly 7 o’clock."
Twenty minutes later, the doctor came out again, all smiles. "Congratulations again," he said. "You’re also the father of a baby girl."
"Yessir, doc," came the father’s reply, "right to the minute." Then, glancing at his watch, he added, "well, I guess I’ll go out and have a drink. There isn’t another one due until 10:30."

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening.
He was actually quite a good magician but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around sqwawking out and giving away his secrets.
like... "IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE"
or "IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET"
or "IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH"
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said...
"OK I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The customer places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the clients asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

There are some things that money can’t buy. For everything else, my salary isn’t sufficient !!

Corporate Motto: READY - FIRE - AIM !!!

They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in Goa. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.
The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn.
"And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn’t stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I Know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue."

Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Saddam Hussein visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the defeat of Bush." God replies:" Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."
Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan." God replies: " Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.
Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him: "God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state." Hearing this, God starts crying.
Laaloo is astounded and asks: " God, why are you crying?"
God replies:" Son, I will not see it in my lifetime"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers. The first woman says ‘’My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.’’
The second woman says, ‘’My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.’’
The third woman just shakes her head and says, ‘’My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.’’

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can’t find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him — he’s afraid to cough."
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty Rupees for three questions, " replied the lawyer.
"Isn’t that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What’s wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."

Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago.
"Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper.  
"But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of  butter." The shopkeeper answered politely.  
"Don’t fool me," replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter ‘Cholesterol free’".  

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the  barman, "Isn’t that Bush and Vajpayee?".  
The barman says "Yep, thats them."  
So the guy walks over and says,"Hello, what are u guys doing?"  
Bush says, "We’re planning world war 3."  
Guy says, "Really? What’s going to happen?"  
Vajpayee says, "Well, we’re going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and  one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why?
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, " See, I told you no-one would  worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

A couple, both age 45, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.500.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges Rs.6000/- for a room; The Maurya charges Rs.8000/-.
We do it here for Rs.500/- and I get Rs.400/- back from Medicare."

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

A preacher was watching a man playing golf. When the man was putting on the third hole, the ball rolled right by the cup when it should have gone in.
"God dammit, missed again!" cried the golfer. The priest was shocked. "Don’t say that," he exclaimed, "or God will punish you!"
The golfer did fine until he was on the ninth hole, when the same thing happened again. "God dammit, missed again!" he yelled. "If you say that one more time, then God will punish you," the priest warned.
The golfer lasted until the eighteenth hole, when he missed an easy putt for a third time. "God dammit, missed again!" he screamed.
A huge bolt of lightning streaked out of the sky and hit the preacher. The golfer looked up at the sky, puzzled.
Just then, he heard a big voice coming from the sky and saying, "God dammit, missed again!"

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see."
"That’s perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming.
By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don’t know," said the bunny. "I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"
(And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.)
Then he said, "I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?
And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls — you must be a lawyer!

Quote from the Boss... "I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions."

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don’t ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

"Mr. Gupta, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I’ve decided to give your wife Rs.2000/- a week."
"That’s very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
Very well, then, says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact?
How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.’Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail’?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it’s that Rs.500/- I owe you."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That’s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman’s home in a rural area.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she’s really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, "If this machine doesn’t remove all the dust completely, I’ll lick it off myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "we’re not connected for electricity yet!"

How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can go to the office and do some work.

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’
The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, ‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
The cat yawns and stretches and says, ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!’

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin’ checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now."
"Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There’s no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You’re wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account."

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, "there’s a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one that’s ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?"
"What about your wife?"
"Oh, I won’t be gone that long. She’ll never miss me."
"No, I’m sure she won’t miss you," smirked the host..."but fifteen minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let’s have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let’s kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What’s the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What’s a ‘man’, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly.
All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He’ll also need your advice to think properly. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What’s the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What’s that, Lord?"
"You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first."

A worker approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred rupees less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last month I overpaid you two hundred rupees, and you never complained."
"Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

A consultant is ...
* someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
* a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn’t know any women.
* someone who is called in at the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame.

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says ‘take what you want’."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."

How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a second year subject.

How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so.
He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."
And he sat back down.

A  veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady’s voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Sanjeev and Sarla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There’s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Mishra’s have company," he called out. "Ravi`s riding a new bike and the Matondkars are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ‘’Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.’’
The son then asks his father, ‘’What’s the 6-pack for?’’
The father replies, ‘’Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.’’
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ‘’Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....’’

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.